I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
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[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Oceanography is all about current events
Finally, an explanation.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks