getting corrected
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I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
bad news gang
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
A bold strategy
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶