I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
You Might Also Like
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Sorry not sorry.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle