Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
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me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out