“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
You Might Also Like
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?