No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
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“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
#oldknees
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer