[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
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Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!