Self-cleaning conscience
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people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)