DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
You Might Also Like
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.