Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
You Might Also Like
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.