Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
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Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.