someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
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therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle