I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
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[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors