Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
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You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?