Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
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me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
cat vs inanimate object
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*