[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
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Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Fluff me with a fork baby
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Taco Bell, Exit 22
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.