I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
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[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
damn he’s good
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?