Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
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I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials