OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
You Might Also Like
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve