If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
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Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
*has no idea what a book even is*
I am having an out of money experience.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
I used to be married, but I’m better now
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
🤣🤣🤣🤣
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
is it earth
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Cake safety first. Always.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year