Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
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Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?