If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
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The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
me after eating Cheetos
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
i want the dreams to chase me for once
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha