“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
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Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
The legends speak of a third Duran…
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
these two trucks have the same bed length
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no