Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
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[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.