Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
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[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.