“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
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*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!