This is painfully accurate 😅
You Might Also Like
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]