Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
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Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
No laws when master is gone
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.