When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
You Might Also Like
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
#titanic
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
i have one speed and it’s mosey
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.