a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
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Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Word.
~ Microsoft.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.