Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
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I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost