i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
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Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!