Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
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I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Um … Hot Wings please
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight