So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
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ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
This was a bad idea all around
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.