Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
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Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
IT’S-A ME,
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts