My good tweets are in my other pants.
You Might Also Like
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.