Trumpy Cat
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my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Shower sex be like:
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.