I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
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Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.