“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
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Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.