I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
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People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused