I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
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How do I rate our solar system?
One star
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]