Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
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My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.