If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
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eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
fair
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.