DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
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Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.