“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
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[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.