I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
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Des Moines Police having a normal one
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.