[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
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Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.