Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
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My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose