I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
You Might Also Like
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.