‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
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The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.